Make Me A Steel Trap!

              **WARNING! If You Are Under 18, Do Not Read This Post**


Last night I ended up at a friend’s house. Not sure how I got there, or why I was there, but I was there. She was having a party with a ton of people. Which honestly, I am unsure how she did it. She kept saying it was an ‘impromptu party’ but she sure as hell got a ton of people there in a very short time!  I only knew like 3 people there. I hate those kinds of parties. But I met some new people, had a good time. But I’m telling you all this to get to my main, albeit humorous, point.

I had decided yesterday afternoon that I was going to be more disciplined at doing Kegel exercises. I’ve always done them, but so infrequently. Like, maybe two reps of five per week. But I read an article yesterday all about your PC muscles (the muscle that stops the flow of urine) and the importance of doing such exercises…which includes very rewarding benefits for us females: supposedly, you will have longer, more intense, mind-bending orgasms. Oh Hell! ‘Nuff said, I’m game. I’d like vaginal muscles that can rival a steel trap! Hell, I wanna make him scream this time.

So I decided that I will heed the advice of the author, and do 5 reps of 50, holding every one for 5 seconds, every day. (I might have a little bit too much time on my hands…) But the author reminded me that I can do them anytime, anywhere, and nobody will EVER know! Sweet! I’m on board. I saw Brandon yesterday, and after he left, I did my first rep.

And I realized that doing so many at the same time was actually quite difficult. I actually had to concentrate on every single kegel. I would lose count if I didn’t. Last night, a few hours after my first rep, I did my second. And I still had trouble keeping track, but it was better. I felt confident. I felt I could take my new found exercise routine on the road.

So last night at the party, I was sitting on the kitchen counter next to two coworkers. And it suddenly occurred to me that I made a promise, and I better keep it. So I started to Kegel. And almost immediately, Coworker A, who was also sitting on top of the counter, but across from me, threw an ice cube at me.

“Did you just like, shit your pants or something?”

“Huh? What? NO, god. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I went back to counting to five and releasing. Counting to five, and releasing.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“Nothing. Shut up!”

There are some things I didn’t want to explain to my coworkers. I don’t mind sharing it with you, anonymous person on the internet. But my coworkers, with their big mouths and leering stares and unending questions, it was out of the question.

So, since apparently I look funny when I Kegel, I promptly stopped doing them. I was hoping that I stopped doing them in time before they attracted the attention of some of the men there. Alas, no. Coworker A kept asking why I had such a strange look on my face. People kept poking their heads around to see what all the commotion was about….UGH. I finally said, “I was deep in thought, pondering about life, and marriage, and having more children!”

Leave it to discussing commitment to scare men away.