My Generalized Disdain For Humankind
My general dislike for the universe right now is pretty absorbing, really. I am finding myself more irritable than usual. My tolerance for others’ ignorance and stupidity is at an all time low. My list of pet peeves is growing exponentially every day.
*People who go up to the butter dish and scrap it off the top instead of slicing it from the end. It mushes the butter down flatter and flatter and leaves knife scrape marks in the top of the butter. It’s annoying. It looks unappealing. Please stop or I will probably get my man’s gun out and shoot you.
*Riding bikes/motorcycles down the middle of the road to avoid the heavy traffic. Look at you all fancy with your two wheels! Oh, you must be special! By all means, cut directly in front of the rest of us; us with the old-timey four wheels! What you have going on is clearly more important than I! Christ, wait your fucking turn.
*People who mix up “their” and “there”, “your” and “you’re”, etc. Come the hell on! We learned this in grade school. You can go back to third grade and relearn the correct usage of “its” and “it’s” and until then, don’t breed. We don’t need another generation of people saying, “Well, me and Molly, we was going to the Wallsmart yesterday to get some ammo for us guns.” I am not making that sentence up…that is an actual sentence that came out of an actual human being. I thought for a split second of sliding across the table and gouging his eyes out with his spoon. But I figured I shouldn’t, since I work for tips.
*Piercing 3 month old baby girl ears. This one really gets to me. It isn’t “cute” for her to wear cubic zirconium studs in her ears. It also isn’t cute that in a fit of anger that she will rip those studs out of her ear when she’s 2 years old. (This actually happened to my ex’s niece. She ended up with 7 stitiches). I don’t give a shit if your little girl looks like a boy. Put her in something pink. Put a damn bow in her hair.
*Photographing yourself “holding up” the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It’s been done to death. It’s not original. Don’t think you’re clever. You’re an idiot. Get a life.
*Restaurant forks whose tines don’t stand up perfectly straight. Okay, this one is purely my own neurosis. I’m so neurotic, sometimes I exhaust myself.
*Sick people who don’t cover their damn mouth for coughs/sneezes. I have a morbid fear of flying mucous. But it’s still courteous fucking hygiene. It’s gross. I’m so sorry you’re sick, but get the fuck away from me.
*People that constantly think they’re right. Guess what? Sometimes you’re going to be wrong. You may not be wrong a lot, but you will be wrong at some point. Deal with it gracefully. Accept your wrongness. Embrace your wrongness. Don’t bully people and get all pissed off. Learn from me; I’m wrong constantly.
*Shopping carts with the gimpy wheel. I seem to attract the cart that the other carts make fun of. My cart is always picked last for the basketball team and is not allowed to play in their reindeer games. I don’t know how I do it, but my cart always has some malfunction. I want every shopping establishment to go through their inventory and put the dying carts to sleep. Put them out of their embarrassing misery.
