Someone Call FEMA....

I am writing this post while sitting on Lake Michigan. I used to come here a lot. First as a small child with my family. I found it to be a source of great memories. In the summer, we’d go a few times a week if the weather permitted. I loved it. Then as I got older and could drive myself, I’d come here to escape. Escape my unhappy house. I would come and listen to the incessant waves and would spend hours dreaming. Dreaming of the perfect man, perfect job, and perfect family. I’d make wishes on the boats I saw, hoping that they would carry my wishes with them to the exotic places that boat would go.

And now, I never come to the beach. This is the third time all year I have been here. Which is really sad. Because I am sitting here with my son, looking out into this vast lake, once again dreaming that anything is possible. I am filled with an insurmountable amount of hope when I come here. I can be anyone I want to be. I can love whoever I want to. I can work wherever I want to. I can live wherever. I can achieve anything I put my mind to.

I am in a very hard time in my life right now. I am what my dad calls, “in limbo”. I am encountering a LOT of life changing milestones. Some good, most bad. I am losing the man of my dreams. BAD. I’m in school again. GOOD. I am moving myself and my son out of our well established home to move in with friends. BAD. My relationship with my mom is still strained. BAD. My son is enrolled in a top of the line day care where he will be given the best opportunity to start a great lifetime of learning. GOOD.  I’m reconnecting with old friends whom I haven’t spoken to in years. GOOD. Did I mention that the love of my life hates me almost constantly now? Yea, that’s REALLY BAD.

So I sit here. In the sand. With waves crashing and birds singing. Scared to death of how I’m going to survive all of the things in my life. How am I going to live without Brandon? Will I graduate college? Will my mom and I ever be close? Am I a good mom? How will my newly re-found friends affect my life? I am not prepared for this many changes. I am so scared. Most of all, I can’t imagine not being with Brandon. He and I have not gone a 24 hour period without talking to each other in almost two years. It kills me to think I won’t do that anymore. Or see him every day. It’s actually killing me. He doesn’t want me to around. And to know that your best friend and love of your life just doesn’t want to hang around you and include you in activities, is more heartbreaking than I can even discuss any further. I am not one of those people who deal with crisis well.

And my life is such a crisis it needs the Red Cross.