**Please Note: This is going to be a two parter. It wasn’t going to be, but I started writing and I really got ranting about some stuff, so it’s a two parter. This is the first so the second is coming soon**
Nick and I had tickets to a ROH Wrestling Show. And I was thrilled to be going. Simply enthralled. Can you tell? If only you could see my face. To his credit, he arranged to spend all day*in New York City*with no toddler*so I could spend the day*doing whatever I wanted. I can do whatever I want in the Big Apple? With no baby? Um, okay, let’s go.
I’ll get to the wrestling in the next post. First I need to gush a little bit. I got to ride the ferry into New York City. I walked through Central Park to get to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I got to see Times Square. I walked down 5th Avenue. I ate dinner across from Madison Square Garden. And the wrestling show was held in a beautiful place called the Hammerstein Ballroom. I can’t really gush too much more about this because it would be so filled with !!!!!! it’d be obnoxious to read. Let’s just say I had a great day.
But I need to complain a teeny tiny bit. I was in a snowboarding accident that crushed a lot of important things several years ago. And Nick and I walked over 100 blocks yesterday. 100 blocks!! Not including all the wandering around the museum. Needless to say, all that walking serious did some damage to my hips that were the main thing that was injured in said accident. THEN! At the wrestling show, I experienced the opposite extreme: we were sitting down {in a auditorium with the steepest seating I’ve ever experienced, btw} for over 4 hours. Oh Have Mercy. I was hurting so badly by the time we were walking back to the ferry I felt like a whore in an Amsterdam bordello after the fleet comes in.
And that’s a lot of pain, I’m telling ya.
Wow. Ask and ye shall receive! I was only going to post
10-15, but there are too many that are too good. Not all are being included, do
not feel bad or think I don’t love you. If you still have ideas for me, you can
still submit them. But the submissions have slowed down today, so unless I get
any more, these are your nominees.
[UPDATED] A few more have been added to the list, look for them. A very wonderful person posted at the last minute, and I liked the ones he submitted. So voila. Now continue on.
Let’s start off with a weird trend that occurred, and I don’t know why or how it happened:
*Mallory: Best If Served Chilled (it’s also a less dangerous for all involved)
*Mallory: Dropping Swear Words Like Galileo Dropped The Orange (I love this one. It’s in my top 5)
*Mallory: Screwed Up Two State’s Censuses (anyone know where and how the apostrophe goes?)
*Mallory: Using Her Elbows In Unexpected Ways (no idea what this means, but it made me laugh)
*Mallory: Newest Student In Jedi Training (I’ve always thought of myself as a ninja, actually)
*Mallory: Now 260 lbs Lighter! (okay, this one was just mean!!)
*Mallory: Still Bitching Even From New Jersey (and will continue no matter where I move)
*Mallory: Wishing She Brought Her Own Phlebotomist (if only he wanted to move)
Let’s move on to New Jersey living/moving themed ones:
*Blogging From Jersey So You Don’t Have To (In my top 5 as well. Love this one)
*Will Blog 4 East Coast To Mid-West Dictionary (love this one, too. Top 5 also)
*Mid-West Girl On The East Coast (yeah, I am…but I love it!)
*The Grass Is Always Greener…With Jersey’s Pollution (I haven’t seen any pollution. No joke! I expected it to be like Gary, IN. but it's not)
*Pray For New Jersey…Michigan Couldn’t Handle Her! (well, that’s just mean!)
*Nomad In Training (I ain’t no nomad dammit)
*Midwest Snow Bunny Thawing In Italian Paradise (hee, I'm not even commenting on this...)
Then on to classic literature:
*Exiled to Jersey (wow. Ripping off Tolstoy. Just, wow)
*Hitchhiker’s Guide To Mallory (love this actual book a little too much)
*I, Mallorious (I’m sure Robert Graves greatly appreciates this one)
*Are You There, God? It’s Me, Mallory (can we not piss off Judy Blume??)
*Mallory Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (oddly, this fits a little too well)
*Demon Blogger From (if only I lived on Fleet Street!)
*Paradise Of Bachelors (haha, because I live with a bunch of men. Poor Herman Melville!)
*Thus Spank Zarathustra (if you actually get this reference, let’s get married right now. Seriously)
Onto A Brief Italian Lesson:
*Scrivilo per favore! (write it down please!)
*il mio italiano è orribile (my Italian is bad - um, my language or Nick? Heehee)
* ho bisogno di fare pratica con il mio italiano (I need to practice my Italian. *coughs* my brain goes right to the sex)
These don’t really fit into any one category, but are still great:
*My Boyfriend Has Better Hair Than Me Support Group (um, he does. I can’t lie. Top 5 again)
*Queen Random (now bow to your queen, dammit)
*EPIC FAIL (haha, you’re so funny. Oh my sides…)
*Laptop Dancing (and if you’re really good, I’ll do it for real)
*Intimidator Of Insolent Serfs (that’s not very nice to say about yourselves!)
*All The Queen’s Men (another joke that I live with a bunch of men and another queen reference...lovin' it)
*Accounting An Epoch (that’s right, I am. Got a problem with that?)
*Calmer Than A Hindu Cow (heh, wow….that’s so wrong….)
*Fuck You Very Much (haha, I like this one a lot)
*Inventor Of The Word ‘Neologism’ (another smart person joke. Love it)
*Crouching Tiger Hidden Hussy (I don’t hide, I’m a hussy in broad daylight baby!!!)
*RANTRANTDAMNRANTRANTFUCKRANTRANT (don’t know what it means, but it kinda works)
*Everybody Moo With Me (another one where I'll marry you if you get the reference)
*Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones....But Whips & Chains *coughs* Nevermind..... (love it)
*Sometimes The Pigeon, Sometimes The Statue (rounds off my top 5)
*Cavalcade Of Supreme Awesomeness (yep. Sure am. You got it right)
*Take Two & Call Her In The Morning (better yet, don’t call. Email me later)
*No Sex And No Caffeine Makes Mallory Go Something Something (don’t try it, it’s dangerous)
*Liza, Be A Dear And Get Mommy Another Scotch (I’ll marry you again if you get this one)
There they are. I must commend my friends for including many smart people references and for being pretty creative. Like I said, please feel free to add any others. Email me with your top choices, please! Again, thank you for reading my insignificant little blog.
5:30 Depart for New Jersey. Deacon was behaving perfectly. And I had another 12 hours of driving ahead of me and I was already tired. Planning on a little caffeine, but pretty much depending on adrenaline. Too much caffeine will make me jittery. And I don’t want to drive 12 hours all hopped up and shaky.
6:00 How hard is it to pass someone? And if you’re going to pass me, one generally assumes that you are actually going to pass, not slow the hell down once you’re in the left lane! Thanks a hell of a lot…the semi is like sitting on top of my windshield now, so hurry the fuck up. I was nice to you, ya know. I could have been an asshat and cut quickly in front of you, sped up, and passed the semi. But no, I decided that since I have 11 ½ more hours to go, I should be nice. Build up good karma.
8:00 Big fight with Brandon. Which was a justified argument, he was in the right. But it meant bad and dangerous news for me – He was turning my cell service off. I called all of my concerned parties while I still had a phone to do so and started to cry. Really nervous driving so far away with a two year old, with no phone. And I’ve hit snow. Fabulous.
10:00 Still in Indiana. Weather sucks. Hardcore. Unbelievably terrible.
12:00 Finally get to Ohio Turnpike. Should have taken 4 hours from my house. Took me 6. Outcome for my goal of hitting New Jersey by 5 am? Not. Gonna. Happen. The weather is so terrible I can not believe it. Not the worst weather I’ve endured, but it is damn damn close. There are very few drivers out right now (and for good reason). They are by far smarter than me!
3:30 Was passed by a semi, and spun out. Totally. I slid around and around and swore like a sailor. I was hailing every Mary and praying quickly that we would stop safely. Thankfully, there were no cars behind me to ram into me. My car ended up completely backwards, resting ever so gently on the guardrail, about one inch away. I wanted to stay there forever because I was in shock. My hands were white and couldn’t move off the wheel. But I saw in the far distance a pair of headlights, so I had to move. I silently cried for about half an hour. I have never been in an accident. Ever. And I need to thank every lucky star I have that my first time was not tonight, with my son in the car, with no phone to call for help, with very very few cars on the road, in the freezing cold.
5:00 Rummage through car for spare change to call Nicholas to tell him the obvious – I’M NOT THERE. Least I’m in Pennsylvania. At a really icky rest stop. Standing next to a GIANT man who keeps calling me “darlin” and “sweetums”. While calling Nicholas, this man (who I named Bubba, cuz he looked like a Bubba) actually so close to me I think he was smelling my hair. *shivers*
8:00 Almost to New Jersey. I am so close. It is daylight now, though, and the weather is not nearly as bad. And yet these New Jersey drivers are acting like they were hit with 8 feet of snow. Speed the fuck up.
8:30 In Jersey. Finally. I receive a call from Brandon, saying he turned my cell back on because he was worried about Deacon and I getting to NJ okay. Which made me cry. So I call Nicholas, telling him I was still alive, and asking how much further I have to go. Perfect weather, about half an hour. With New Jersey drivers acting all dumb, about another hour and half. I am determined to be there before 9:30.
9:00 Need to get gas. So I stop at some Shell or BP or whatever. And I proceed to get out when this man comes to my window and puts his hand on my door telling me to not get out. Now, I’ve been awake for FAR too long to be fucked with right now. I am not in the mood. I continue heading out of my car. And he said, “How much gas do you need?” I said, “It’s 200-fucking-9, and I don’t need some MAN to pump my gas in a lame-ass attempt to hit on me!!!” He ever so politely said, “Well, you are pretty, but I’m offering to pump because I am legally obligated to.” I stared at him blankly. I still thought he was fucking around with me. So I said, “FINE!! Pump the gas. But you ain’t getting my number or even a smile!” and slammed my door. Nick informs me like an hour later that yes indeed, it is illegal to self serve. So, um….gas attendant on the Jersey Turnpike…I think from a Shell….um, I’m sorry dude.
9:30 Okay, I have like, ten minutes. Woot! I am paying my last toll (which, in case you’re curious, if you drive from South Haven, Michigan, to Emerson, New Jersey, you will pay $10.85 in tolls. Which sounds like a lot, but I’ll tell you what, they were some nice roads before they were 3 inches deep covered in snow!)
9:45 I pull in Nicholas’ driveway, nearly 5 hours later than I should have been. By this point, I have been up for 26 hours, and no nap in sight because Deacon slept in the car, so he’s up and ready to play! And with Nick needing to go to work, that means mommy is up too!
**FLASH FORWARD TO 8:30 PM**
8:30 Deacon is in bed. And after a loooong, hot, shower, so will I. I am sleepy, but so excited. I needed this. I can’t wait. I’ve hit delirium, but I am safe. I am scared, but am optimistic that my life starts now. There are things back home that need addressed, but they will be. I am loving life right now. Which, for those who know me intimately, is quite a big statement.